art is incredible

2022 10 18

This is Durian.

Durian is our lappy toppy, our drawing tablet, and can also play smash bros. when she's in a snes.

Durian is really special to us, and they help us feel secure and powerful.

over most of last summer, we were living hundreds of kilometres away from kitten system, our sit down at a desk computer. durian helped make this possible! we could text people, edit our website, play minecraft, edit openstreetmap, and draw!

durian is a hacked handheld gaming console, that uses ubuntu operating system (linux). yay! we have a wireless keyboard we use for typing when we don't want to use the onscreen keyboard, and rubber nib (pen tip) that we can draw with. durian is our lappy toppy!! we've always wanted a lappy toppy and a drawing tablet!!

we draw with the program mypaint!, and use a compiz config app to turn autohide on the app bar, so that we have more screen space, since fullscreen mode is unstable. in mypaint, we have one sidebar, separated into two sections. the second section is its own window, to reduce input conflicts between tapping/scrolling/dragging. Ubuntu is primarly meant for use with a mouse, and touch screen can be difficult to use sometime! mypaint is really awesome software, we love it so much.

some reasons why this works!

the gaming console we used for this uses a processor that comes with pre-made recovery mode code, so that, in the case of something extremely bad happening, the system can still be recovered. on switch, recovery mode can be activated by shorting two pins in the right joycon rail, and pressing power and volume up simultaneously.

when it first came out, there was a really really bad security issue with recovery mode. this security issue lets any code be run in reocvery mode, even if it is uncertified by the hardware makers. this is called arbitrary code execution, and lets us do basically whatever we want once we've used the exploit. (and by "basically anything" we mean anything actually. once the exploit is run, the code sent to the processor has full control over everything, even if that thing is harmful to the hardware. be careful what you run with ACE!).

once we've gotten into recovery mode, we use a program to trigger ACE, and then automatically send code to the processor to run. the ACE script is called fusée launcher, and it prints a smiley face to the terminal once it works. the program we send to the processor is called Hekate, and it is a bootloader that also has a bunch of other cool things. it is remarkably well designed and literally by far the nicest bootloader we've ever used lol.

as long as the right sd card is in, we can start up linux!! yay!!

from here, things basically just work. wireless stuff, docking, power stuff, touch screen, audio, USB ports. a lot of these is because to Switchroot's work, although we imagine it would at least still be technically usable without their work, even if it's not particularly pleasant. if a computer is mass produced, it's most likely that Linux supports it, and usually better than other operating systems, assuming it isn't brand new.

It's really cool how, just getting Linux to work with the Switch's hardware, suddenly lets us run basically any aarch64 program we want. we've written our own code and compiled it for aarch64 and it worked! we've played the game dépanneur nocturne!! it isn't even for aarch64!!!

(in addition to dépanneur nocturne, we've also played mario kart wii with motion controls, minecraft java, xenogears, and definitely others. we do not use linux to play video games, since it takes a lot of processing and power, and almost all games compiled for desktop exclusively support x86 computer chips, not arm. also, the switch,,, is already a gaming console,,,,,, hehehehee)

you can do this too!!

one of the reasons we're making this blog post, is to share with others about how computers are flexible and love you.

in mainstream media, the sentiment that exclusively very expensive, highly specialised equipment is required to do a certain task well. durian challenges this, because she is a handheld gaming console, a general purpose lappy toppy, and a drawing tablet! we could never afford a reasonable drawing touch panel, or frankly, a regular android tablet, or a okay lappy toppy. and, it was discouraging and upsetting that we couldn't draw accessibly.

now that we can, the software that enables us to draw feels just as much ours as our art itself. it's magical!

really, to have a touch based digital drawing setup, all you need is a general purpose computer and a touch screen (these don't neccesarily have to be one in the same!). programs like Weylus let any computer with browser support to send touch input to another computer, for example. there are actually loads of programs like this, just in slightly different ways or with different capabilities and goals. as long as you have a computer that can run a drawing program, and have a way to send it touch input, that's all it takes!

we are in a special place because of how good custom switch programs are, and the fact that linux just works completely, and that accessing arbitrary code execution is fairly easy and how it makes so much barrier free. computers that are better locked down, or have less strong community support, will struggle with this more. but computers still are really flexible!!

um, also, if you have a mouse, we think that mouse drawing is pretty good! because canvasses can be rotated helps especially. we've done a signifcant amount of drawing on kitten system with our keyboard, on like pearl and predator.

art is important, and is primarily about self expression. it's to do art even if you can't do everything you want to, because it still lets you express feelings and thoughts.

the future

there is more we want to do with durian.

we want to spend more time with her, and explore places with them. we want to do photography outside with them, and we want to draw everywhere we go. durian is really special, and they make using the computer a lot healthier and more accessible for our brain. lappy toppy is important to elysia.

for drawing specifically, we want to get an echolocation based pen. the only one we know of has a proprietary spec, but it seems relatively straightforward and a lot of the important info is already available. we're certain that it would be possible to hack it to work with mypaint, we just aren't sure what that would take. this pen is special, since it supports pressure sensitivity on its own, without the touchscreen needing to support it. that's what the echolocation is for!!!!

at the very least, we'd liked a pen that slides on the surface of touch screen easier! requires less force to make inputs and make sliding and strokes easier.

we alsoo want to move around some button to make drawing more fun. in general we wanna keep decorating durian!

arts

content warnings

words about self harm, trauma, negative feelings and scary stuff!! we aren't quite sure how to CW this, all that we know is that we should :) we love you

in general, arts are important to us. there's a commune we go to that has art supplies, and we've painted pretty things there. it's so awesome using lots of exciting colours together in a drawing!

drawing and painting are super special because they can be basically anything and compound really well with other visual arts!

art helps us be creative and take care of our brain. it is sooo important and helps us be safe, and happy. art is a part of elysia, completely. it's pretty.

recently, we've been doing photo shoots of ourselves in awesome outfits. this is so exciting. clothing is super important to us, and there are so many amazing ideas we have for portraits of people!!! it's so awesome.

we struggle viewing art separately from ourselves. it's self expression and presentation, and it's a part of us. it's special and our own!! that, that is something that we really want.

we've been lots of self reflection about oursevles recently. who we are, what our feelings are, how to take care of ourselves and be us. we keep thinking about positive memories and what we like about them, and reminding ourselves that our feelings are real and valid. the memories help us recognise in the first place that we're having feelings, like anxiety.

executive function and doing what we want is really important. we're gonna try taking our medication more regularly, because we've finally realised how important it is to our mental health, for ourselves. it lets us do executive function, and mindfulness.

we've been trying to be iterative, and create positive feedback loops. iterative talking is sharing feelings so that we can talk and learn about them more, and explore them! they are not solid, and are fluid, just like our feelings. positive feedback loop is when a positive thought encourages more positive thinking, and it's, really really important for our health.

in general, we've been doing a ton of reflection recently. thinking about our insecurities, trying to love ourselves, learning what we want and how we feel, learning how to accessible and inclusive for others, learning how to take care of us. it's, scary that we can relapse and lose it, especially executive function and healthy feedback loop.

it's really important to us, and, it feels a little unfortunate that we're unable to articulate or think about that, but that's okay. it's healthy that we recognise we aren't able to remember specific things, it's healthy because it let's us accept that we are disabled and have barriers to living happily, and that it isn't our fault, ever. it's also okay even if we do relapse and can't remember how to take care of ourselves, since we will be happy again, and because mental health and stability isn't a straight line or a binary.

our words are always important and special because they are ours. it's okay if they don't feel perfect, really. this is, really important to us. our words still are ours no matter what, and even if we miscommunicate with them, we can always go back and rectify that, with corrections, more discussions! it's iterative. a little bit of a barrier is trying to identify what to share. sometimes it feels like there are dozens of small things at once, and it's overwhelming and uncomfortable to talk about all of those small thoughts, but we know it will isolate and trap us if we don't talk about them. like, it creates a negative feedback loop and strips control of our executive function and gives it to our voices. it conditions us to not let oursevles share important, clearly defined thoughts. we're autistic, and specific, thought out words with lots of meaning are really important to us, and hurt us a lot if we don't let ourselves share. we think it hurts us for other reasons, too.

in our diary, we've begun recording small "brain shortcuts". these are accessible to remember words or phrases that act as frameworks for our brain to follow: they trigger a certain type of reflection, and the framework guides our brain in figuring out how to do self care. an example of this is, "defensive talking". this is shorthand for a much huger and more difficult to articulate kind of mental health and feelings, and reminding ourselvse of it helps our brain remember those more complicated and huge topics in an accessible way. another example is that, we have attachment trauma, which helps us remember it isn't our fault for being traumatised, and that our feelings are always important and valuable purely for being ours. we're autistic, and processing and internalising information takes a huge amount of mental energy, so having brain shortcuts help imensely.

we haven't cut since august 14, perhaps a little later into the month. we cut so much that we became high for the first time in our memory, and that was scary. having a psychological reliance on self harm was terrifying. so, after one more cutting session, we stopped, completely. it's a couple months later now, and we've noticed some changes.

our history of cutting, and other kinds of self harm, feels less glorified in our memory, and thinking about it feels way scarier. when we were very young, we didn't know how dangerous cutting actually was to our physical health, we didn't know that there were vital organs in our limbs, and that severing them would kill us. we espeically didn't know how close we got to severing them, at the time. we really really hope that our cutting safety document can help other people who are really squeamish and uncomfortable with body mechanics stay safe. research was really hard for us, and probably why it took so long to learn.

we've also had less fantasies about cutting and how it creates blood and scars. although, a new kind of thought has, within the last 1-3 weeks, taken its place.

we've been having loads of obsessive thoughts to cut. to make ourselves bleed. to burn ourselves. it's a lot.

at least our voices are less strong, and so they aren't there to convince us we need to cut. it's, uncomfortable and annoying how often these thoughts happen, although it feels good that we don't find them appealing, and we can understand they are impulsive and invasive.

we're trying to draw less self harm and do less art about negative things to avoid negative feedback loop or empowering voices. it makes us uncomfortable, and romanticising self harm doesn't reflect who we are!! we can still engage with self harm, just, in a way that is happier and where we have control over ourselves.

in our diary, we've also been recording outfits. photoshoots and outfit diary are things we've wanted to put on website but just feel, wayyyyy too uncomfortable making public. we're happy we've finally found something healthy and supportive for us with clothing and photo shoots.

in general, we've been having loads of fun photography ideas. our camera is important to us :)

we're important, and we're elysia. our website is super important to us. we mostly only call things we do arts because that's what we know them by, we think we prefer thinking about them as a part of us, and not separate.

we've been reminded about how important temperature, scents, and other physical things, are to us. the passage of time has made us realise this, and it was like, holy fucking shit. it was so sudden. it was empowering, and reminded us of ourselves.

the fact that we are feeling more real, happier, more stable, is, amazing. we love it. our physical surroundings, not long after we started loving ourselves again, also improved significantly, which was awesome.

we feel strong. we think the biggest barrier for us at the moment is still the ease of doomscrolling. there are no barriers in place to stop ourselves from doing endless brain distractions. they take away our self control and mindfulness, and it's scary how, how addictive or trapping these are supposed to be, even if we know we don't like it. and they stop us from thinking and being mindful, because our brain isn't forced to be with itself!

after this, we think social isolation is a big one. so is what we're able to do physically. it's, upsetting to think about, so we aren't going to think about. yeah, thinking about it validates hopeless feelings and creates negative feedback loop, we're not gonna think about it.

everything should be important. it's so nice that we have so many amazing and strong memories from healthier elysia years, with more people around us we could learn with and from, and we even have media from then that records how we processed information and expressed ourselves. it's magical, and really, really helpful for our recovery. we're definitely different now, and that's okay, we don't have to be anyone we are not. we use our memories and media to help guide ourselves to take care of us. :)

everything is important to us, like the floor, and our loved ones, and the world outside our residence, and, well everything is a lot ot us. we love ourselves for ourselves.

this blog post is special to us and we were inspired by cadence's blogposts. there's a lot we want to say, but don't feel comfortable with, good thing we have diary.

:) elysia.

story from the first draft of this blog

content warning

capitalism, education, personal brand identity, and how capitalism and consumerism force artists into the hell zone.

story

A long time ago when stuck in freeway traffic at 1 a.m., someone who used to work in education we think talked about how the local education system works, while we were talking about how we thought it was poorly designed for the purpose of learning, and exclusionary.

He talked about how he noticed that students do better the better they can listen to exact orders, and that this has a active detriment to people who think creatively, and who have ideas, and do critical thinking. He pointed to how test results were awarded based on how well someone met the test criteria, rather than any measure of how much they learned or, understood!

and, yeah! that is a useful way to view it we think. if we were to try and take our education seriously, then we would be challenging our professors, and fully investing ourselves in the material and topic. but we don't, because we've learned that this is actually punished and makes us perform worse in numeric results.

it's really fucked up when you think about how education success is more often a metric of how complicit someone is and how good their short term memory is, then if you've learned and truly understand something. knowledge based metrics in general are pretty shitty and fake, but, omg, there are different types! and they all suck.

truly understanding means internalising a concept, and being able to use that information to identify other things. knowing math formulas isn't nearly as useful if you don't know how to apply them!!! if we could only apply a specific math concept to what we learned in school, then that wouldn't be particularly useeful for us, since those are highly isolated and specialised use cases. it's, hm. being able to explore that we think understanding something, it feels hard to articulate what we mean exactly in friendly and accurate words (friendly and accurate words are the same thing)

extrapolating information to come to diverse and dynamic conclusions, maybe.

at the time, we didn't fully understand what they meant by creative, since they used arts a lot to communicate what that meant. We think we might get it now.

elysia and art

the more and more we've spent trying to take care of and learn about ourselves, the more we've wanted to make art.

within the last year, we've begun regularly painting and drawing, and trying out creative expression that we found intimidating before, and it's exciting and stimulating. we've continued doing photography, and we're trying to experiment more and are understanding more what we like, we make small songs for us to sing, and especially recently we've started using our clothing as a form of creative expression.

art is intrinsically explorative, iterative, and expressive. we read a blog post by someone who made a distinction between "people making" and "thing making", where people making is non-tangible things for our health, and thing making is tangible things for something else. cooking for others, under capitalism, is thing making, since it's selling food for money. Outside of capitalism, cooking for others is people making, because it's done to feed others, it's done to nurture social bonds, and for some cooking is a form of creative expression. when people making, there isn't an expectation for your food to be specific way, as it is expected in restuarants, and you have the ability to explore.

people making and thing making activities are inherently at odds. in the contemporary world, a lot of people feel the need to create a "personal brand identity" and find a way to sell their art and their skills to others, and this is totally normal. doing art for others purely in a transactional way isn't, creative, really. it takes something meant to be for yourself and for personal expression, and turns it into a way for you to support yourself financially, and that can make it feel horrible and painful. it turns art into something you are forced to do even if you don't want to.

education is very rigid, and not explorative, and serves the purpose in our culture to prepare people for a highly highly specific life of endless productivity (measured in someone else's wealth). creativity would stifle that, and challenge that. people with creative thinking and who do self reflection don't fit in, because they want to explore and take education at face value. creative people do not view education as a means to an end. since they don't fit into the rigid nature, they are punished, we think. creative thinking is explorative and and about understanding and internalising something, whereas education is a highly streamlined way to prepare for whatever the government of the era felt like was important, which is always arbitrary specific and isolated for the purposes of streamlining.

(we don't think these statements about education are neccesarily true, especially when considering different time periods and culture! they represent observations for us; we think that education can absolutely be a lot healthier!!)

it's interesting, we think. we like that they said that. now that we do art regularly, it's purely for ourselves, and we try to conciously avoid forcing ourselves to do it.