user interfaces and how they interact with our brain and especially disassocation

2023 08 29

so um we recently started a new fedi account, for our system, and the default theming made us realise something.

or, accentuated something we already knew.

user interface changes how we think!

so so this new instance compared to our existing one is like. pretty and shit. a lot of effort appears to have gone into making it comfy feeling and nice!!

on our other instance we've just been using mastodon light because its the only light theme, and mastodon light, is horrid. there are weird lines everywhere. the gradients and colours chosen feel sterile and exclusionary.

it's. when we tried getting back into social media a lil while back this was one of the biggest things that made it hard to use it. like, the software just didn't feel comfy. it was so hard to be ourselves because the interface felt so,, felt so rigid and,,, ucky!

and and this is like okay right

even outside of user interface we've been thinking about this so fucking much.

our brain is super duper visual. it reacts signficantly to visual design. most of our thoughts are based on highly specific visual characteristics. our art inspiration comes from those very specific visions and trying to realise them. not realising them makes us feel disassociative, maybe it makes us feel.. invisible.

this isn't even just for software. curating and designing our living space is such a signifcant part of our mental health. we have no idea how to explain why to people, other than it is. not having our living space (or clothes, computer interface, etc) line up with the feelings of who is currently fronting can be extremely distressing. it makes them feel forced to mask and limits their self expression and self confidence. one of our system members became self aware of themselves almost entirely because they let themsleves use a picrew to express themselves visually and then using that to represent them online.

but, it's also so hard to actually, do design. it's so,, abstract, and even small differences can make a huge difference! it,, it is so overwhelming! and there is always a deep fear within us that if we choose to redesign our computer interface or do a different hair style or something like that, we'll lose all the hard work we've already done. we've spent days making our computer as happy as possible for us, and even if it would be healthiest to swtich how the computer looks and feels every now and then, its so intimidating and huge. and would inevitably harm other peoples' experiences cuz then they cant easily get back what the find comfy.

examining our experience with computer also makes us feel as if, we need to actually involve ourselves in creative process to find our identity. if we dont explore things like dress up, picrew, etc., then we'll never, never see ourselves when we switch, and will just blend together. . doing visual things provides an important

thing

like okay there is a huge and massive barrier to writing blog posts and it's literally just seeing what we write. writing stuff in coding software is hellish. i hate the font and visual structure and design. we all do. it also feels like it traps our minds inside the walls of the window, forced onto the words, .

we strongly dislike our messaging software, schildi chat. it looks so horrible. it's design so inflexible. i hate it. our friend maya i think made custom css for element once but computers are hard i dont get it

schildi chat feels so. it fels so formal, occasional. it feels like its meant to match the frequency of sending emails in its design. it doesn't feel like it invites concurrent communication. and its shapes and colours are absolutely terrible, we hate it.

it doesn't feel designed to stay involved in people's lives. it feels designed to facilitate required correspondence in a formal relationship.

and we know this isnt a problem with the matrix standard itself, we've used other software that does have good interface and does feel good. its just, not very good software, for us.

we're fundamentally artists, and that might shape us in a way. we're extremely sensitive to minor variations in an aesthetic, and they make us feel things, and influence how we think, and that influence often makes us disassociate~!

perhaps, when something, like software, doesn't visually facillitate our own feelings and identity, it makes us feel bad. it makes us disassociate, mask, and pretend. the way we feel inclined to write on our main fedi instance is in a very stoic, thorough, and well put together way. the only one of these that most of us actually identify with with any amount of signifcane, is being thorough. the other ones are pretend. the second account instance, on the other hand, makes us feel comfy, invited, and excited. certainly this is partially also because the people we share our instance with feel a lot comfier than the people we share our other instance with. just more compatible i think.

like
the way we go about thinking and expressing ourselves entierly shifts. almost purely because of the presentation and feeling of that environment.

i feel like to some extent this is well understood. software like matrix and discord are generally more tuned to private concurrent communities, and this is relfected in the design of their interface. forums, on the other hand, are designed in a signficantly different way, visually alone. social media again is also different, with different priorities. but, i think beyond that we dont ever see people talking about how interface affects brain and how someone interacts in a space.

this is diffiuclt for us to talk about, we just, dont know the words we can use to describe this, and, we're talking about something that is actively affecting us, and making it difficult to write this very weblog. im also trying really hard to focus on writing this for myself, cuz it feels good.

we've seen other people on the internet talk about how matrix is so cool they wish there were well designed apps that also looked good and i think thats the closest thing we have to feeling understood in this regard. but we dont know if "looking good" refers to what we're talking about or feeling. it's probably okay that its broad and nonspecific, i like that because i think it gives everyone words to articulate feelings, but not all of those feelings are the same. its cool it can have signficant meaning to people who arent just (forgot what i was writing)

want to change our hair

okay elysia don't self harm for being like this okay okay okay its okay youre good you didnt do anything wrong by writing this okay please all the little flaws and bad things arent real it felt good to write and thats all that matters it okay i priomise youre special