How to be a Kiddo in a world for Adults

2025 09 21

elysia views itself as its own biggest barrier, as well as its own biggest helper. It does face external barriers, and it absolutely has many external helpers, but even those are still subject to how we interpret them, how we respond. How we facillitate or avoid them.

despite being able to declare this openly,and therefore am very aware that it happens, ely can't always see between the lines to notice when it's actually happening. In fact, we usually don't notice at all until after the fact.

this is, perhaps painfully, one of those instances.

yous see, elysia's mother would often clammer on about how wonderful childhood is, and would point out how we should embrace and celebrate ours while it lasts. as with much of what its mother taught it, it felt like a thinly veiled projection of her own internal feelings; regrets in particular.

this particular case, however, isn't necessarily a narrowly held feeling by my mother and her ingroup; ideas along these lines crop up all over the place, which normalised the sentiment to us in a way that most of its mother's projections did not.

the yearn for the simplicity of childhood, where everything was more special and easy, where you had a caretaker or two you knew you could always rely on, one where you had free time to engage with your interests and hobbies, could engage socially in good faith, lacked a substance addiction, etcetera. the list of forms it takes could go on forever. one could point out how none of these things are actually exclusive to childhood, and how the reaction is towards secondary emotions rather than primary emotions, and we did exactly this.

mum doesn't actually yearn for childhood, she yearns to be free of her shit deck of cards we'd tell ourselves.

we'd tell ourselves.

we'd tell ourselves .

we'd tell ourselves when presenting ourselves online with loli character avatars.

It's just a cope; you dont need it; and it's unhealthy too.

which we'd tell others.

which we'd aggressively push back against when seeing someone else do it.

the aggression and disaproval displayed by elyisa's protectors,
in response to its own friends,
was the same violence
meant to punish the doll inside,
to keep her down.

here's a question, why is it unhealthy, toxic? because, because, because...

because...

the world expects you to be a adult

people will act weird

youll be called a creep

you need to be an adult to be happy

etc

these are all external. they are all defensive. avoidant.

and we knew this, which is why we, rejected it when our mother said it. which is why we ... rejected it when everyone else said it. they must just be misaligning their actual feelings with how it feels on the surface.

and so elysia must have some deeper trauma causing these feelings, and focusing on the symptoms isn't healthy. plus, pretending to be a child could harm others.

it's very roundabout and arbitary. that's how we had to set ourselves up to justify away health.

deep down, we knew we rejected maturity, and would act in accordance, and even made ourselves a agreement stating the world was just too dangerous to be ourselves, so we had to keep that away. luckily, everything else is safe, so we dont need to mask most of us ! oh

oh

there was a lot of pain. a lot of denial. a lot of disassociation. we distinctly remember last summer being fall of self expression and exploration and fun activities, and all we felt was numb; a passive observer.

we were jealous of people who let themselves be themselves. be who we wanted. and that yearning for the doll turned to shame and insecurity for the protectors turned outward aggression.

reminscing about ely's recent play dates hurt, because all we could feel was the pain associated with the knowledge that we hurt ourselves. that we acted as a leader and authoritatively, because we felt we were supposed to. that we had to. that that perception let us do self harm.

elysia is a child.

and the world cant change that

the last however-many months have been a practice of self compassion and respect.

ely doesn't really like the label age regressor or any implication of roleplay. it's a very real thing for it! it's hyperactive and likes helping and kinda collapses under big things. it doesn't really have a filter when communicating and generally doesn't understand how others could be unhappy. doing lots of chores without help or acknowledgement sucks ! and makes them very unfullfilling.

elysia has never lived on its own. despite having its own lease, it doesn't handle payment or official things on its own. it likes helping ! but doesnt have much interest in acting on its own. it can, but that is really exhausting, painful, and requires a lot of time to decompress and re-stabilise

when required to mask, we're generally much crabbier and less fun to be around. we're firm and directed and very motivated, but don't have a ton of patience and don't really enjoy ourselves. we're really vulnerable for the most part and will believe anything others say to it at face value.

it believes everyone does their best and is well meaning and nice and cant really imagine a world where that isnt the case. my favourite food is pasta and mom takes me to the playground after classes because i have too much pent up energy. i like scribbling and making presentations and parties with my soft friends and it's one of the ways we decompress and process our feelings, which feel way too big to keep inside of our head.

it draws its favourite things onto its tests and watches cartoons to relax. it likes dancing and playing on mom's ipad.

presentation

dress up is one of its favourite things ever.

it wears bubbly denim skirts, cute colourful cardigans, wings, halos, loads of white blouses, and some makeup when i feel like it. mom tries to make sure i dont do makeup for others, but i really like decorating myself and can do it if its for me.

it likes putting sparkles around its eyes and on its cheeks and itputs big bblushy swirls on its cheeks irrespective of its cheekbones and uses foundation and concealer to flatten any depth and make it appear as round as possible. its concealer is lighter than its skin, so it uses it also to highlight. often under eye ! still learning. loves eyeliner to make eyes look BIG

it wears lacey angel running shoes and dollish red winter coat. it likes bright colours and bibs and little drawings.

my favourite pajamas are space ones and then its onesie. onesie is very warm

i also like decorating other things lke my things and livestream and

my voice gets really high and happy and so does my face. very bouncy and rarely can sit still

making vtuber !

being bigly little in the open has been a long time coming ! always had very high voice and always dressed in lolita clothes. started dressing up jojifuku recently. but it also got bangs ! its favourite hair is short bangs

it has to wear binder often or sports bra and tries to wear clothes that de emphasise strong shapes.

relationships

it really loves it mom and all its friends ! big favourite. play wiht everyone regularl orelse gets relaly sad. also needs lots of help..

mom helps it with everything and is really important and it would like to take more care of

lots of its friends are same age but ltos are also older and so can have lots of helpers and also lots of people with same interests

when idea of having kid with mom comes up, it's sorta accepted idea that it feels that ely would be a good parent, but in a very different way. because it is good at understanding others and knowing its own needs, which would probably align with its kid's needs !

it loves deocorating home as nursery we should get a couch

that's why its been transforming its home page ! making it pretty and shiny like its brain and its been doing same. the majority of lighting in little one's flat is fairy lights, and it put soft friends everywhere. it loves stickers and carries emergency sticker pack everywhere it goes. it gives itself self supportive usernames now and doesnt try and pretend it isnt The Kiddo. likes having help