Stories relationships while being Autistic and Borderline

2024 11 24

friends in school, learning about romance, demisexuality, high intimacy capacity, confusing feelings therein,, clingyness, real8isations on thoughts about polyam, how i experience romance (certain brain characteristics like silly), how, Actually, intimacy and romance is unbeliveably important to us, how i developed self confidence, how introverted feeling were actually just everyone else being awful.

So um, hey.I'm elysia, and I wanted to talk about my experience with self discovery and self care in relationships, with my specific neurodiversities. A lot of people seem to respect my emotional awareness and the empathy i can show to others, and I thought it could be good or helpful to also share some of the ways I used to be and how that has changed over time. Insight into me.

I'm choosing to talk about my experience with relationships, because that is probably the most interesting part to talk about. It's a special interest,

So, growing up, we always thought we were really shy. I would always try to get someone else to start a conversation with someone I wanted to or needed to talk to. In reality I think we were just scared. I had a largeish friend group, and was generally the bridge between the "normal kids" and the "fucked up kids". I'd get invited to hang out with both groups, and was liked by both. I don't really know why, I was weird as fuck and kept really quiet.

Whenever people would ask me out or Obviously Have a Crush on me, I didn't really understand what that meant. I liked the attention, and would try to reciprocate with being overly clingy and affectionate, but i never really actually felt attached. I just liked the attention. I also really loved hearing about fluffy relationship gossip and drama, it was exciting! but i never had interest in participating in it, and didnt date anyone in school. I also generally felt much closer to people I met online and started having less interest in people at school altogether.

Our first date was weird and was a bit of a learning experience. Again, very clingy, but didn't really understand what feelings were romantic or not. it ended with me realising i was lesbian. and, holy shit. maybe thats why i didnt really experience attraction to people in school. but i think theres more to it, especially since there was also lots of lesbian crushes on us.

we distinctly remember feeling "above" people in high school. By second year i began spending a huge amount of time on mindfulness and self reflection, and learning about how i think and see the world. It felt like so much of the relationship drama in school was entirely pointless. I didn't wanna have a relationship wiht someone like that. This mindset is sorta related to me also getting groomed, but i do think it holds a lot of truth. We struggle a lot getting along with people our age, and it feels like we relate much better to people older than us, which is still true today. It definitely has gained more exceptions since becoming an adult, but sitll, so many of my closest friends are 5-10 years older than us.

Not too long into begininng to do mindfulness, we realised that the reason we were quiet wasn't because we were shy, but because we had been put into a forced assimilation residential school, that taught me that who I am is bad, and that I should be subservient to others who were "normal". So we did a lot of masking and were scared to start conversations with others; I was taught that I needed to act how others wanted, and in order to do that, I needed to have them start talking to me first so I could figure out what to say to please them.

( This still kinda persists to this day, although we're trying very hard to stop )

We realised that, Yeah, people in school Kinda Sucked to be around and that there were other people out there who had figured some shit out and were mindful and kind. We started a relationship with a system that was also borderline, and made a active effort towards self care and self love. We learned a lot, and the relationship really helped us create a positive self care feedback loop. still extremely clingy, but that didn't really come up here cus of the self care, as well as that I had begun expanding my social cirlce a lot, and becoming a part of a local fighting game community.

we learned that not only were we not introverted, but we were hypersocial. The highlights of our month were always when we helped run big events and got to talk to and help out so many people. We would meet hundreds of new people in a month and were a part of a broader community, and we loved it. it was also fucking exhausted, but it was always something that felt good. pride, satisfaction, fullfillment.

The whole idea that we lacked confidence to talk to others also sorta shattered, and we became the person who would take intiative for others when they struggled. we also would help others with their mental health and act as a support person, and tell stories about my experiences to others who seemed to be going through similar things.

at some point we met a girl in the community and !! started dating!! and sometimes also fucking. elysia for a long time thought it was literally ace, it never had interest in sex and was always confused why people talked about it. But i liked having sex now! and that kinda shattered some of our self understanding. we had kinda just accepted we were sex repulsed ace up to this point, and things would stop at fluffy and flirty.

this would take years for us to figure out, through LOTS of trial and error. At some point we realised we were probably demisexual, where we only experience sexual attraction to people we're emotionally close to. but in practice that didn't really help, cus we sitll thought some people were attractive, and sometimes didnt have interest in sex even with close people, or struggled to enjoy it. It was really confusing, and are things we've only figured out very recently (last couple months).

we kinda learned about ourselves is that we do find some people physically attractive, but its an incredibly small portion of the population, especially not the kind of people we usually make friends with. i only realised this because i am! incredibly attracted to my current partner. enormously. but we also learned that being demi still plays the primary role in how much i want to have sex with someone, and that we usually experience desire through kink and shared emotional intimacy and vulnerability. I usually consider my kink nonsexual as a result, because it feels distinctly separate from having sex, even if it often leads to wanting to have sex. ive also learned that i sorta become physically attracted to people I already love, even if i didnt find them attractive at first, and likewise, a lot of my kinks specifically come from being demi.

the relationship with that girl ended because we were a lot. "ended" here meaning we stopped dating; in reality we're still very close friends to this day and she's still one of the most important people we know. Us being extremely clingy and attached never really changed, and it was a feature of all of my relationships up to this point (and all of them since!). she couldn't handle how emotionally present she needed to be.. and yeah, that's fair.

im um, borderline. institionalised abuse in school that tells you everything about you is wrong and cages you for not conforming, and neglectful and borderline parents, will do that to you. i am very clingy and very vulnerable to self sabotage, guilt, self harm, and spiralling from seemingly minor things. spirals happen easily because of how huge my emotional capacity is, due to being both Autistic and borderline.

as a result, we can be very difficult to support as a partner, and can totally overwhelm others, whether with negative or positive emotions. we're also super vulnerable to exploitation, as well as lonliness. and, this impacts our lives a lot.

we're hypersocial, and have massive affection needs. the only times we've ever wanted quiet alone time have been after those massive community events where we'd talk to hundreds of people nonstop for upwards of 12 hours straight, and when scheduling a entire month of meetups with all of my friends, without any breaks. anything less feels... horrible. we feel lost, isolated, and struggle doing even basic things. Existing without living with loved ones is always the hardest and most painful periods of our life. Loneliness will be the thing that kills me if not cancer or old age, and it's gotten close a couple times. It's fucking excrutiating.

But the quality of that social time is also really important. Time with my signficant other, queer platonic relationships, and other loved ones, is substantially more fulfilling for us. They make us feel real. We have many, many friends, probably countable in units of 50, and we have many people we'd feel comfortable kissing and sleeping with. But we have very few people who make us feel the way our closest loved ones do, emotionally and physically. And I crave that deep emotional intimacy. It is what we live for. It is who we are.

But it's so hard. The depth is so great that it is nearly impossible to find people who match our energy or desire. Most people aren't interested in being nearly inseparable for weeks on end, and whenever someone we love does leave... a part of us leaves with them. and this happens more often than we'd like, given the difficulty in managing borderline in a healthy and sustainable way. it's just too much for some people. and we totally understand that.

We've sorta discovered that we need to be around others who are very emotionally self aware and have begun fighting some of their inner demons. we need people who get borderline and Autism on some deeper level. and we'd love someone to make that same level of commitment we need.

The last one is extremely rare. For a period, we thought we were interested in polyamory, seeing it as a way to have more of our emotional needs met. But we've realised, with our current partner, that that isn't something that necessarily has to happen. we just feel forced to when someone isn't able to provide what we need, cus otherwise we feel trapped and neglected (which, to be clear, not their fault! wanting mono and a normal amount of intimacy isnt their fault, or our fault!)

we used to view this as our fault, for being too clingy, too broken from trauma. being with someone else who is borderline and clingy, though, makes us realise that we just need someone who understands it. it feels so good.

time away from my partner still does hurt, though. perhaps more than it ever has in any other relationship we've ever had. even if we're with someone we love deeply and get along with very well, we cannot stop yearning for and obsessing over our partner and the time we'll finally be back with it. it's constant, even if the distance is minor.

it's been kinda validating to openly admit we are yandere in our relationships. very possessive and obsessive because of borderline. i want to keep my partner to myself and protect it. we tried for a very long time to downplay it and snuff that out, but it never truly went away, and has come back to the surface with my wife now being supportive of it.

We do our best still to manage those potentially toxic emotions, though. Our self care strategies rely on having a strong and robust social support system that can basically always be present when necessary. This is the core of why I try to stay in touch with even old friends; I know my world is better with them in it, even if it feels like too much for me to handle at the moment. Everyone I love is important to me, and even if i don't talk to them anymore, they hold a special place in our heart.

This base is very important, since it creates a emotional safety cushion, and helps us build self confidence and self love mentally. We can rely on the fact that we'll always have someone to support us and help us get through hard times, and it makes us feel fulfilled and like we can do anything. We even begin to love ourselves, re this thread (pls look at it in inspect till we fix the text selection thing).

Using this self love, we practice self soothing and self care. Taking care of our body, validating ourselves, letting go of harmful social binaries like faults and blame, and allowing ourselves to simply exist. We try to practice reframing, to make things feel at least neutral. We try to remember everything will always be okay, and that our feelings are special and important. We often ask people to give us explicit expectations, like how long they'll be away, or other things that help us break out of borderline spirals. Having a thought to hold onto, that you can point to and say, "look, they love me and arent abandonign me" is a really powerful tool in breaking a cycle.

Lately we've also just been trying to brute force our way out of meltdowns. So far it hasnt left us in a unhappy state afterwards, so it mainly just seems hard and painful in the moment. brute forcing being, forcing ourselves to ignore our own emotions and to get out of our spiral. It doesn't feel like it should be healthhy, and there probably is more to it that we should be careful about.

Being borderline and Autistic has also taught us ways for caring for others, and in ways that we know we would like to be treated. Reaching out to others spontaneously and checking in, being there for cuddles at a moment's notice, being gentle and understanding and practising de-escalation even when we're upset, promoting acting like ourselves, consiously praising positive behaviour, and acknowledging how difficult it might've been to do. Sharing special interests, biting (A LOT), caretaking without questions or expecting anything in return.

anyone who doesnt get that, or thinks it strange or discourages us, usually doesnt stay around very long. theyre important to me.

In general our upbringing combined with our broad illnesses have given us a dramatically different culture outlook compared to most of our peers. Elysia largely thinks in a communal way. We often prioritise the needs of the group above the needs of the individual (when we're feeling insecure, we often justify self care to ourselves as a tool that enables supporting others later on, cus it puts ourselves in a place emotionally to care for others). We used to work as a community event organiser and manager, cus of how much we care. We hate ostrasisation and exclusion, and we think everyone should walk together on the same plane of existence, without judgement. I hate when I go to some random demographic based event and i hear people i respect casting shade for no reason. i think you should love thy neighbour, even if you also fucking hate them. (these arent contradictions! you can love and hate simultaneousuly!) sometimes its hard to love, and i dont fault you for that, i just would like you to try.

understanding others, and treating them with respect, is very important to us. im allowed to not like others, but that isn't their fault, and so they don't deserve to be treated badly as a result. although for self care i may still avoid them. we also place an enormous amount of importance on community and the family unit, whether found or biological, and these are the environments we feel the happiest and most comfortable in.

perhaps the current most important story going on in our lives at the moment is family and community building. we have been trying to meet as many people as possible, in order to identify communities to belong to, and people to bring into my family. Everything we do feels like it is in service of these specific things. A succesful career is only important to me so in so far as it enables me to support a community and family. It is a means to an end. We take a lot of pride in our art and enjoy our special interests, but they can never replace loved ones, or a true sense of security and belonging.

and we would know, we've tried. when living alone, we try to retreat into hobbies and interests in order to distract ourselves from the pain. a lot of these are very fulfilling and important, but they just seem to wash away once we have people in our lives again. it suddenly no longer matters, we no longer care much. they're a coping mechanism. we still enjoy our interests even when we're not lonely (with lonely here being the subjective feeling of not having enough social interaction), but they dont dominate our lives, and we generally can be a lot healthier.

what working on

want to redo CSS on whole site, make a dark theme inspired by peachmoon.moe. wanting to make one off pages about certain sprawling thoughts the same ways we did for the x guide and the xeno series combat essay, such as random thoughts about OC transpo stations. want to fall asleep with my partner and never leave its side. also writing webblog about future of transportes in ottawa region atm

also i dont think ill never properly copyedit any new webblogs that are styled like life updates; its too exhausting for so little reward. even for stuff like this, though, it would take many more days to finish this, even with the outline at the top to follow, and we'd lose interest. thats the fate of most our webblogs and why there are no proper conclusions. we dont have energy to properly format such long and sprawling documents.

part of why we want to create more dedicated webpages, rather than just putting unique thoughts into our blog, is to enable us to do iterative editing we talked about in one of our recent webblogs . maybe we shoudl finally code our own static site generator.

need to work more on language learning and make a language diary