short

2025 06 14

short

dying

everything is beautiful

untarnishable

you cannot ruin.

that one doesnt speak of it often , because its antithetical to itself

but if its

going to leave. then it should share.

no amount of cruelty or horror or evil is enough to counteract the truth that life and love are one and the same

a power structure or monetary driven motivations or toxic competition only dilute and distract

the world wouldnt hate itself so much if the systems it operated under were compatible with the nature of life.

follow this path far enough and one begins to ask " then how do those systems come to be ? isnt that contradictory ."

but therein lies the problem

trying to assert a theory of everything.

no one would care if they could simply choose to live in a different type of world

propaganda message [ NFB link ] by barrier nelson and published by the canadian ministry of global affairs in 1974, is a short animated comedy that plays up the antics of figure pointing at others is. it's very much a product of its time, with some of its content requires either a fairly involved understanding of canadian history, but a lot of it is easily transferable for anyone in with a more introductory understanding of the anglosphere.

it depicts single issue citizens who paint the world they want as inherently idealistic, and then takes those ideas to their logical extreme. it is seemingly about the importance of tolerance and compromise in civil society, and elysia likes that it looks inward at canadian society instead of projecting it elsewhere, as so often happens in this kind of media. i dont love it, its not a masterpiece by any means, and i think it sometimes kinda comes off as untasteful or without tact, but its a fascinating piece of the trudeaistic foundation modern canadian society is built off, despite itself being made far too early into the trudeau years to really know what that even meant.

this one brings propaganda message up for two reasons:

1. art is important.
2. its impossible to know how your perfect world hurts others.

with regards to that second piece, it believes in that fundamental goodness of people and their intentions as well. this doesn't mean there isnt harm and pain in the world caused by yyour peers; the point is to say that evil and cruelty is an action, rather than a character trait. and being mindful of that when making decisions is important.

that's kinda how this one has come to interpret trudeauism. for those outside of the know, trudeauism is the perspective held by the arguably most important and well regarded ( unless ur oil ) canadian prime minister, pierre trudeau. despite being a very niche worldview ( not even his son justin trudeau embodied it ! ), it's had a lastiing impact on canadian society because of the role it has played in the development of the constitution and is the origin of many of the systems and traditions that exist in the country.

trudeauism is heavily influenced by socialism and leftwing nationalism but i think a really big part of it has ended up being its commitment to creating a system that enables self determination within it. QUÉBEC A Discourse on Nations - CH. III-II Maîtres chez-nous [ youtube ] by Ravignon, she points out how despite all the flaws with the person and the ideology, it has seemingly created a political environment domestically that encourages coorporative self determination without involving violence.

we've wanted to make outline of canadian regions for a while now, and what they stand for. there is so much diversity and difference in so many basic aspects of day to day life and its spepcial. canadian federalism has always been fascinating to it, and significant part of the reasons why originated in the trudeau senior era.

canada operates much more like a confederation than a federation in practice. there is no such thing as a " canadian healthcare system, " and you'll find that your universal healthcare, your job certification, your alchohol, your oil, sometimes even your langauge, becomes becomes shakily supported once you cross a provincial border, sometimes even becoming illegal. people are still arrested for smuggling personal goods like a pack of drinks across interprovincial borders. trudeau sought to set the role of the federal government as a sort of supervisor to the provinces, rather than a controller, meant to guide everyone down roughly the same social democratic pipeline ( it is kinda insane to call trudeau a Liberal just because he became prime minister as a Liberal party member. bitch was very much a social democrat or socialist outright and NDP members teased him about it in private ). it's still kinda. gross in the sense that if you wanna do something else you're gonna have a really hard time? but if you're one who believes that there are fundamental things that a healthy society has, like healthcare and indiscriminate marriages, then it might be seen as a good thing.

the point is to say that canadian multiculturalism goes a lot deeper than what it says on the tin. the structure of the provinces allows such a extreme degree of freedom to self actualise independently that it's almost amazing there is any homogenity at all. the federal government is there to make sure they place nice with each other, in a confederal style of relationship, despite technically being a federation. this one thinks there's some beauty to it. that everyone can fundamentally get along and share a couple of core values and desires, without letting their more divisive characteristics dominate the others.

it likes the idea behind this

there is just different kinds of worldviews and even if you dont really agree with them, allowing them to exist as equals and being tolerant of that is probably important, and so is you receiving that same kind of treatment in return.

tbh i feel that's what democracy is and is probably where the social democratic guardrails aspect of trudeauism comes from. where powers come from the bottom-up and there isn't a centralisation of power or beliefs that attempt to dominate others.

don't necessarily think its a amazing implementation but its nice thhat the effort exists

the fundamental love of life is respecting and acknwoledging that there is no one size-all solution to everything. it recognises that there cant ever be a ultimate truth, and nothing is truly real. making a judgement call on its opinions on trudeauism is impossible and disingenuous because it isnt real. recorded quotes from trudeau describing socialist theory may have been real aspects of trudeauism in the next, but, what about the day after it was scribed? it's impossible for humans specifically to keep every single thing in their mind at once, and what they value in a given moment is mutable and in constant transition. there is no ultimate reality of what trudeauism is, it's what we make of it.

expressing a thought or idea, especially in media, collapses a superposition. the stance you hold internally cannot be measured and is technically in all possible locations at once, just with some regions having higher probabilities of appearing than others, based on your personality. the collapse of all alternate possibilities is something very different from the reality of who you are. it's real, but that doesnt make the things it represents real. taking media and history for granted based on the things people say is misleading as a result, since its a small snapshot of the world in which they exist. much in the same way minor aspects of a photograph take on new meaning from the same view in real life.

all there is in the living world is love .

why is it that art can be interpreted in so many different ways? that disputes about author intent and death of the author exist ?? why do people say things they immediately disagree with to support their own points ? why is, if not because it's about trying to find meaning in a world that doesn't promise it. where the truth is everything and nothing at the same time. art has a different impact on every person exposed to it because it is art. as an artist, my work needs to have a level of incompleteness and abstraction for it to be capable of feeling good to itself. this one cannot make art with one possible interpretation because it is disingenuous; there is so much more to itself and there is so much that changes while its making it.

oh i can spin this into a "why i hate microblogging social media" by pointing out how it encourages a collapse of reality into a few small possibilities that undermine the spirit of life and fundamentally remove the point of existing in the first place. doomscrolling. dont plan on it but like. wow

how can you love everything while critiquing things? how do you find comfort when there is no base underneath you to stop you from falling into insanity?

because there is no ultimate truth.

this one is not the deity you wish it to be, and so elysia lives simply by its means. critique and playing the game of debate is a célébration of what life, and especially humans, are all about. i love it. i cherish people who have novel ideas and perspectives and people who embrace life and existence with their heart and don't look back. even if i vehemently disagree with them. there is no contradiction. love and hate exist in paralllel as contemporary aspects of life, not as opposition. it's a spectrum, but a manydimensional non-linear spectrum. having a lot of hate can easily occur simultaneousy as lots of love. extremely easily. believing otherwise is delusional and disrespectful to yourself. in fact i'd argue with love in particular it cannot be isolated from other thoughts.

sometimes trans people will ask me if its name carries any special meaning, maybe if it is short of "elysiumn or elysian". as cool as that would be, no. its special because its this one's name, and it's special because it's alive.

this one doesnt need to find any more meaning than the place it lives in the world is the place it lives. it's base is community and social environments, not a truth of life. it doesn't need to have all its questions answers or all its problems solved for it to be happy. it just needs love.

and i'd imagine that is a commonly held feeling .

...

this isn't a suicide note .

...

earlier, we were listening to Human Nature is (Not) Hopeless: A Dive into Swan Song (2005), a critical analysis by Amelie Doree. she says at one point that she wishes there were more self deterministic views that got to be expressed by the people in society who often aren't granted that. are often infantalised and have that trait robbed from them. schizophrenics, high needs autism, down syndrome, etcetera. how she wishes those people got to participate in the discussion instead of having the words they say stripped of meaning immedaitely upon leaving their mouth.

the doll realised it's existence and words are important to others. that it's important to crystallise it. so here it is. here is your opinion piece on the nature of humanity and the structure therein, written by a high needs schizophrenic autistic person who speaks three languages.

EIPS, BPD, CPTSD, attachment trauma. they all sound isolated. independent. temporary. but there are life. theyre cruel and i hate them, but they are life.

it's impossible to say how much of my fundamental worldview is actually transferable to others. i am not real without the existence of others. the doll simply collapses. this one feels imense emotions, greater than a neurotyipcal typically does, over the most basic of things. anything can bring me to tears. everything is deeply emotional. everything is a stim

" is life really all about love, or is that a learned trait from oppression from the world around it "

sometimes gets asked

the answer is it doesn't matter. it's worldview isn't based in a fundamental theory of everything, it's based in elysia. this one loves everything because it makes sense to it. from a factual stand point the answer is likely also no anyways; gotta remember that everyone has a childhood before abuse happens and that children, much like the french, are real people too. in fact, i am both at the same time. c'est la vie.

age is so fascinating. is this one the same as it was then ? is it different ? what is the relationship between age and time ? why do people 1.5x and 2x older than me regularly discover new forms of higher existence through me ? it might be that age and time are not linked to humans

despite being physically and undeniably linked, i dont think thats how the human brain processes aging. i feel like the same person i was 15 years ago. i'd argue i am the same person. time may have had the doll go in and out of repressing certain traits, downplaying and masking, but its all come back around. its back where it started.

aging doesn't change you

trauma might, though, and it's kinda beautiful.

...

i am not delusional or ignorant for loving the world. i am simply being . happiness and despair are beautiful all the same.

...

we saw a post on social media thread yesterday that posited that, if a groomer who supposedly did suicide was still alive, they had likely rebranded and reshaped who they are, if they are no longer recognisable or findable. and that that's almost a fate worse than death.

a fate worse than death.

...

there are points in every life where the external casing is shattered. broken. and something anew must grow in its place. but that shell is often restrictive. holding one back.

this is completely independent of age and is instead tied to time and experiences. breakups are a big one. they shatter your earth. the very base i claim precious can disapear with that embrace of self determination that this one was just celebrating. how

because its

there for a reason.

much of elysia's work has been creating and maintaining community events. it's how it gives back to its community.

and that has had us come across a lot of people in confused places in their journey to growth and blossoming.

we may leave them a few guiding words of wisdom and encouragement, but we never intervene unless tragedy is imminent. being a steward, but especially being a parent, involves knowing when to let go and give one the room to burst out of their cocoon container unimpeded. i could prescribe everything i know to them, but so much information and meaning and emotion is lost in that collapse of thought. i want my kids to find their own self in hardship, and learn to trust their own being. it's so important.

its a balancing act, and there is no ultimate correct answer, though. it's a microcosm of parenting, life as a whole. that's okay. there's value in that. accepting that lack of control is okay. you can only do your best in the moment, not a " theoretical potential peak performance " at all times.

a concert isnt good because everything goes as plans; it's good because it exists.

being emotionally dependant on a kid coming to love and appreciate you later in life for what you did for them early on is admirable but perhaps somewhat singleminded and misses the point. it's okay to be insecure about it. but the agony of waiting and added weight to every decision is going to kill you . unconditional love is accepting people will go a different way than what you want if they feel like it. real trust and companionship is built off of mutual desire to be included

a society where people only ever show up to something because they hhave to isn't compatible with humanity.

seeking unconditional love is seeking happiness

thanks and awards and recognition only mean so much because we know its the kindness of others giving it to us

hollow compliments are obvious, aren't they? they feel worse than had they had not been said in the first place.

a culture of obligation is awful.

slop is terrible.

but making this commentary can be uncomfortable for me. because it can be easy to lose sight of that loving goal and to say this to others in a mean spirited, know it all way, rather than as compassionate support and consideration.

and it feels

terrible about it

clinging onto ideological frameworks is hollow and insecure and is scared of your heart. i cant make decisions that affect others without their consent, because this one isn't everyone. even if i thoroughly believe what i believe is good for everyone, elysia is elysia. i am horribly uncomfortable with the idea of being able to make decisions without even so much as the inidcation of how someone else feels about it.

leadership is being able to effectively read others' subconsious or insecure wants and bringing a community together. it's not about prescribing your own wants onto someone else.

it makes me feel gross. suicidal. evil.

espeically when im given this power because others respect me

and just being assumed to know everything.

the real reason elysia loves self determination and democracy is because she hates herself fawndamentally and cannot see the value in her own being. when others have forced that one to make life changing decisions on their behalf has ravaged elysia's emotional core. she finds comfort in knowing she doesnt have that power and that people can say no to her. she would kill herself if given free reign over others. or, more likely, she would go mad for a bit, and then kill herself.

maybe it does know everything and is good to others. but i dont do that because i want to accumulate authority.

this one is pathetic and hates itself and the only way it can convince itself it can stay alive is to frame taking care of itself as being to the benefit of its community. if that silly masquerade was dropped, so would it. not immediately, but over a period.

( if elysia is so fundamentally opposoed to telling others whats real, why is ely writing this ? because it doesnt think it will be around much longer, and understands that that respect and admiration exists regardless. consider it a parting gift. this one still hates writing this and feels terrible and will likely regret publishing )

the internet's capacity to reduce living to a small amount of chemical indicators and the associated rhetoric of that being a good thing is awful.

the internet floats certain ideas well above others. even goes so far as convincing people its okay to ostrasice other members of society for simply going against that normative streamlining. its inorganic and gross.

i live with someone who could variably be described as a tory, the patriarchy, a class traitor, hikikomori, etcetera, and i love him regardless. doing anything less would be to reduce his humanity to a few mutable characteristics that are independent of what life is about. it would be disgusting. i don't really care if he's a part of the class of society that doesn't necessarily need that compassion extended towards, this is a individual person. collectivising a whole group and using that to deny him compassion, or even the whole group, is gross.

this is another one of things im thankful about canadian society. treaeds a thin line bewteen individualism and collectivsm where both can exist simultaneousy. the wellbeing and cohesion of the community is important, but so is self determining away from that and not being held back by the community. both are socially expected.

the whole trudeauism project can be framed as establishing a system for various nations to coexist and work with each other, and how they can resolve disputes. i like that interpretation. it acknowledges the simultaneous reality of humans to seek their own personal world while also needing to find a community to belong into. it's the kinda thing that encourages people to call canada a post national country ( i am not one of these people, especially given the fact that trudeauism itself is a very nationalist ideology )

a fight against community is a fight against humanity.

in a society of humans, ostracisation is equivalent in harm to being pushed off a cliff ceave gaming, probably.

ely kinda feels like that moderator in daily life. there's a phrase called the overton window which describes what ideas will grant the most mass demographic appeal. i view myself as the overton window. but thats because i am me. and not

elysia feels as if sometimes if it doesnt step in between two people they will harm each other.

and thats what happened here

...

this one doesnt care who wins. it shouldnt be a competition. competition becomes toxic when it seeks to ouest the other entirely. what happens to that person afterwards?

what does that tell the other people around you? if not simply that you have it out for some people, and are willing to go to great lengths to harm them. you may justify it to yourself, using metrics and solid reasoning, but i feel thats obscurring the reality of the situation.

life isnt about winning, is it? seeking lofty ambitions? whats even the point. you must've heard the addage that two wrongs don't make a righht? it feels deceptive to convince yourself that it is just to hurt another person just because you think so.

hate and love and caution can all exist simultaneousy. it is not in this one's place to determine the fate of the people who hurt me. only to express compassion and hope for the future. im sure there' s a point where it doesnt matter anymore, the so-called "paradox of tolerance," but i feel thats a red herring. that's not the threshold that is being reached when people get ostracised most of the time, not even close, and is a good example of how the internet tends to reduce human life to just the fundamentals.

i try to carry compassion for this and have expressed my concern to the people i see doing this, but as tiime goes on it becomes more exhausting and i realise there are more important things in life. why waste time on an artifical reality.

this isn't a suicide note

my response to when things upest me is to withdraw and move on, provided i dont have to keeep engaging. consent is important. one of the love and hate traits we have is that we avoid things we hate so that we can maintain love for them. if i was always exposed to it id. be less happyy.

its really all just about being happy, isnt it?

this one loves love. dearly. life is so ... special.

when this one is sad, upset, it likes going for walks. going to parks, getting on the metro, biking. it likes getting out. seeing others engaging in life and seeing them be happy fills me with a type of happiness and fulfillment. its wonderful. its amazing. simply getting to exist in the same world as life is a gift and of itself.

this one isnt necessarily opposed to religion, but we carry reservations about it. ultimate truths and throughlines are scary. relying on a relatively clear system of thought to guide you and produce a sense of morality. its terrifying. much of this ones satisfaction living comes from knowing its plasticity . i guess you could say ely's meaning comes from not being beholden to a certain direction theoistically or morally or whatever. i am just happy to get to have the emotions i do while im alive. assigning a meaning to that.. is stressful. i like that there is room to talk about the meaning of life because thats extremely human, and i love humans.its cute and exciting ! theyre playing !!!! it makes me happy to see them doing something they find fulfillinig and meaningful and sharing that.

theyre playing !!!!!!!!!!!!!!

its just love. they love their things and choose to share it with others who care. its beautiful. it sucks that finding that can be difficult

im about to faint. ii better finish up quick. whole point is that the world actually gets to see this.

please, i love you too much to handle seeing you deceive yourself. do anything you want or feel like trying. its important. whats the point of your years otherwise.

i love and am full

denying someone else the ability to blossom after destruction is an act of evil. ostracisation is like that. that blossom is beautioful no matter what it looks like and i cherish its wellbeing. if it withers it withers, but that's how it is sometimes. id like it to not be the standard, though? there is a more personal love that makes it impossible for me to accept seeing people hurt each other a lot. once or twice doesnt break me and i can extend love to it. being surrounded by something unhappy isnt sustainable, though

the ability to rebuild is humanity in itself. youw ouldnt wanna be deniued that yourself?

theres a kind of beauty standing on the edge of the roof of a 20 storey building at night. there's so much life in your field of view. much of its resting, preparing for another day. its beautiful how it manages to all work together. i love it.

i love the sensations that rocket my body when a thousands of tonnes of freight train passes me 1m away, going over 100kmh

i find the mantra "what doesnt kill you makes you stronger" kinda kinda silly but there is some value to be found it in, nonetheless.

i am not dying because i hate the world

i am dying because i am not well with myself.

i am

losing elysia as i become elysia

the srtongest case i can make for sticking around is. i have little inhitbiions anymore. i can j'ust do shit wiothout consequence. i can make as bold decisions i want an dspend all my savings on upending my life if in ready to die. a last hurrah. just for fun

but the truth of the matter is that i am unwell

no amount of money or reckless decision making will change the fact i cannot be myself

ill embrace the lifestream without consequence. ill cut myself cus i like it. burn myuself for fun. just over rooftops while exploring, fill up the other aspects of my idenitty.

but unless i or someone else can somehow convince elysia that it is who it is

its hard to

stay

nevermidn that my body is halting itgself slowly. eeking out for last life physifcally, amd ive not been able to handle it like i thoutht i woudl eba ble to

i like it here , i like life, and its impertiuvative to have a good time

im not, and everything hurts, and i need help, and its

its been this way for years

but it just wasnt bad enough to make a big deal about it

from koco and everyone else

im sorry

its not your fault. its not my fault. i just hate who i am and all the ways ive tried to rehape myself have hurt, including accepting that i am this way. it feels like lying to myself and self deception and like im jusut setting myself up to feel hurt and sadness at every opportunity by lyinng to myself. i was completely numb last summer because of that. ive given that charade up, i feel much more like myself, but the person i am is

barely clinging to life

and it hates itself

if you want to help, understand the reality that you need to do so in a way that can change my mind about this or recognise this reality. its of a level of importance where either i need a whole new persepctive that nullifies the source of pain outright , or j`

i dont know`

this one emotions and identity dont wanna be here

this one's body dont wanna be here

this one's loved ones dont wanna it to be here

and lying and playing charades for a false sense of comfort and morality long term is

bad for everyone

and this one knows it

it is going to be in touch with its family soon

itll do its best to be happy. i think theyre probably the most likely to help it feel ok. family is like the most important real thing to it in the world.

ely might just be in joy withdrawal. there's so much happiness in its life that anything less feels excrutiatingly painful. it could be that i cant stand being without my family any longer. it could be that that im being destabilised by things i dont understand, itll probably be ok. assuming it dont jump first. its so hard.

it doesnt want to kill itself but it also cannot stand living in its current form. just opening its eyes or attempting to breathe send us into a spiral. we hate the matter of our existence

this isn't a suicide note, i have no intention or plans to kill myself. i probably wont, and im looking forward to a lot right now. but no amount of rebirth can chase me away from the incongruencies between who i am and who i am. and the immense pain that gives me. all i can imagine heloing is others and delusional haze

hard to user kind and positive language when talking about itself

sorry for giving up on itself

feel so incredibly guitly about it but it cant fixate on that because it makes me more upset. its. trying so hard to maintain some fire to live alive.

there is so much for me to love and get attached to that its hard to even fathom this one is suicidal. it absolutely loves life. but its in such an excrutiating amount of pain and getting it out makes it even more apparent that the generators of survivial have been shut down for years already and that my life has been a mystery as such. maybe ill find meaning in that. meaning and fulfillment is not the same as being attached to this world. or happy. itll try though

a love letter is not a suicide note .

the doll loves you

love yourself more can you ? you deserve

sorry for being demanding. it;s over now.

i love you so much, thank you so much for being on the ride with me. i cherished every moment far more than you know.

elysia .